Rachel Roberts
"Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, she became a butterfly."
My Story
My story begins at Oklahoma City University in December of 1999 when Clint and I began dating. We fell in love and got married in October of 2002. Just 2 days before our 3rd Anniversary, my husband and I found out we were expecting our first child. We were so excited!!! The pregnancy was near perfect and I enjoyed every minute of it. Toward the end of the 9 months, I developed pre-eclampsia. My doctor decided the best thing was to induce me at 37 weeks. The night before my schedule induction, I went into labor on my own at about 3:30am. We had that whole "I think I am having the baby" moment that I have always wanted and rushed to the hospital. At 5:17pm we had our beautiful baby girl. Madeline was perfect in every way, but from the first time I held her, I felt no connection.
This was the start of a very long battle. I only stayed in the hospital 24 hours. And we arrived back home to an empty house at 11:00pm. Thankfully my mother and husband were with me to help with the difficult transition from nurses there to assist you with any questions that arise, to us with a brand new baby, on our own. I have never been around children let alone babies. Being an only child, I have never had to care for anyone. This was more of a transition that I thought.
The next few days were difficult. My dad arrived a few days later which gave us a couple extra hands to help with the controled chaos. I still was feeling down and out and didn't want anything to do with my daughter. My mom and I assumed it was the baby blues that would be gone within a few weeks and went on with life.
A few weeks past with no change. Then a few months past. My symptoms began to worsen and my family and I knew I was in more trouble than we thought. About November 2006, I started to feel more intense symptoms. One minute I would be great and happy, the next I wanted to run away from my life. Whenever I was at home by myself is when I would feel the worst. After I would put Maddy to bed, I would just cried uncontrollably. Sometimes for hours and I didn't know why. Then I would lay in bed at night thinking about guns and what it would be like to use one against myself. Would it hurt? Would I die fast enough? I sometimes would visually see myself in the corner with a gun in my hand, just sitting there. I started telling my husband about the visualizations and he convinced me to get help.
We went to the doctor together. We discussed the problems I had been having and then I was diagnosed with Postpartum Depression. The doctor decided to put me on medication. The road to recovery was a very long process. We tried many different medications to find the right balance. Most of them had sideffects consiting of, vision problems and weight gain. I also was recommended to a therapist who allowed me to just talk. It was nice to talk to someone who was a third party in this situation.
Finally, after many tries, I found the right medication at the right dose. I was feeling much better and started to feel like a real mom. I still have good days and bad days, but now I am medication free and continue to educate other women and thier families about Postpartum Depression. Throught my whole experience, my family has been my rock. They have been so understanding and supportive and I could not have made it through without them. I never wanted to hurt my daughter, but I realized hurting myself would in turn hurt her. I had too many things in my life to be happy about. I consider my experience a blessing in disguise. Because of what I have been through, I can help others realize the symptons of this disease and help them through it. I have always lived by the saying, "When God closes a door, He opens a window." I believe that is what happened here. Even through I went through the darkest time in my life, I have the experience and resources to help other women who are suffering and give them hope. There are so many wonderful things in life to live for, including their new born babies.
People often ask me what it is like going through Postpartum Depression and for a while I found it very difficult to describe. After thinking about it, the process can be compared to what a caterpillar goes through to become a butterfly... The cocoon is dark and lonely... you think your world is over. Then, with the right treatment and help, a butterfly emerges.
"Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, she became a butterfly."
